What a wicked game to play, to make me feel this way
by Skoghexan
Summary: Being secretly in love is never easy, but for Kili it's close to torment since Fili has done something he cannot forget or forgive so easily. A somewhat dark Durincest fic. Movieverse and bookverse combined - no major spoilers for the book, however.
1. Part I

A somewhat dark Durincest fic set mostly in the world of the first Hobbit movie, adding some scenes before and after. I fail to describe the plot further, so you'll just have to read and see what happens.

Inspired by a-gan's wonderful piece of art on Tumblr ( image/394647723299). Greetings to the artist if you ever happen to read this!

A multipart story containing fluff, sex (incest obviously), sexual abuse, some angst, a bit of hurt/comfort and lots of bathing and bed scenes. Kili's POV, written in third person.

This is my first ever fic about anything, so I'd be glad to hear your opinions, especially since I didn't use a beta and English is not my native language.

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**Part I**

"Everything might change tomorrow."

Kili lifted his gaze from the half-empty pint in front of him to look at his brother. They were sitting at a table in an inn somewhere south of the Shire. It was late in the evening, only a few other travellers in the dim-lighted dining room besides them.

"That is, if mister Baggins chooses to sign the contract", Fili continued, gnawing a chicken leg while speaking. "And if uncle Thorin accepts him to be a part of the company. I doubt it", he stated and swallowed audibly. "Hobbits are not known by their courage, and the task ahead requires nerves of steel. And he probably cannot even wield a sword."

"I'm not much of a swordsman either", Kili reminded, not eager to converse with his brother at that moment but not able to let him insult someone they had yet not met.

"Or a bow, or an axe, or any other weapon for that matter", Fili insisted. "His only advantage is that he's small, so he probably won't eat very much. Carrying food supplies for thirteen dwarves and a wizard is troublesome enough. And we might be even more in numbers, if Dain is with us."

"That remains to be seen", Kili grunted and took a sip from his pint. "I think we should just trust Gandalf. If he says the hobbit will do, he'll do. And what on Earth do you mean by saying 'Everything might change tomorrow' ?" he snapped the last sentence, causing Fili to stop licking bits of food from his fingers.

"I mean", the blonde dwarf explained, "that after tomorrow the whole company will be together, travelling as one, leaving these peaceful lands behind to possibly encounter hardships and dangers none of us ever has. I'd say that's quite a change." Fili ran his tongue on his left thumb, licking it clean carefully, then turned his eyes to Kili. "Are you going to eat that?"

Kili startled, then shoved his plate to Fili's side of the table. His brother wasted no time grabbing the slice of bread Kili had left untouched, devouring half of it with one bite. A drop of warm butter slid slowly down his chin.

"I'll go to bed. Good night", Kili stated and rose quickly, trying hard not to run up the stairs to the room they'd be sleeping in that night. He threw his coat on the back of the chair that stood next to the door and kicked off his boots before sitting heavily on the bed, leaning his elbows on his knees. His breath had suddenly quickened and he could feel a faint blush heating his cheeks. He was frustrated, and ashamed of being frustrated, and all because Fili had said something that had made his thoughts race. The older dwarf's talking, his behaviour, his mere presence was enough to upset Kili, and now the two of them were about to go on a journey that could last for months and months. Even the first couple of weeks, riding from the Blue Mountains towards Hobbiton, had been hard to bear.

Not so long ago Kili would have gladly joined his brother to take part in an adventure, gone to roam the lands of Middle-Earth to see, hear and do things he had only read about. He and Fili had been inseparable, best of friends as long as he could remember. Kili had admired his big brother, following him everywhere, knowing that he'd always be safe if only Fili was around. They had done almost everything together: played pranks and suffered the consequences, fought with each other, shared a bed for years as small children and later on as well, if one of them had been having a nightmare or it had been cold or they just had not wanted to sleep alone. Even when Fili had started to show signs of adolescence they had still been kids together, getting on their mother's nerves and earning strict reprimands from their uncle every now and then. Times had been good.

There was an age gap of five years between the two brothers – not much considering the average life expectancy of dwarves, but enough to make a difference. Kili's puberty had come late: when his voice had only started breaking, Fili had already been a mature dwarf, walking and talking like an adult, sporting a beard and a braided moustache. It had not been once nor twice when he had let Kili untie and braid it again, for his little brother's fingers were deft and they both had enjoyed these speechless moments together. The tone of their communication had changed: since Thorin had began to pay more serious attention to his older nephew, teaching him their kin's history and all the things his heir should know, Fili had become more aware of his responsibilities as a grown-up and hence less jocular. Kili had not understood his jokes and wits anymore, exept when they had been addressed to him. Fili had often called him a baby or a whimp, scoffed at the pranks that had once made him laugh, and said that he should grow up and stop being so irritating. And how hard had Kili tried to fulfil his wish! Every day he had spent hours working at the forges around their home or hunting and digging for food and setting traps in the nearby forest, and a good amount of time in front of the mirror, examining his adolescent's body. All too slowly his lean figure had started to grow more muscular and the edges of his face had sharpened, but his voice had still been croaky, his chin and chest still smooth and hairless. All he had wanted was to be like his brother, so that they could've been best friends again and Fili would've ceased mocking him and being so unfair, not telling him about the discussions he had had with uncle Thorin and other older dwarves of their kin. But Fili had only pointed out his immaturity and looked at him with amusement, contempt or something intangible in his eyes or not looked at him at all, and all Kili had been able to do had been to braid his brother's moustache and wait for the day they'd be equal again.

Kili recognized the sound of the steps heading towards the room. Quickly he took off his belt, slipped under the quilt and pretended to be asleep when Fili came in and started undressing himself. The blonde always stripped to the waist, sometimes taking his trousers off too, before going to bed. Kili could not – it was awkward enough to sleep in the same bed with his brother again every night, as they had done so far on their journey, finding themselves tangled in each other's arms and legs and hair in the mornings. More than once already had Kili woken up from a lustful dream, his aroused member pressed against Fili's bare skin through his clothes, and jumped off the bed, almost panicking, hoping that the other had not noticed a thing in his sleep. Camping under the stars in the wilderness was not a scary thought – in fact, Kili looked forward to those nights when he could freely choose where to lay his bedroll. He wanted to be away from his brother... and wanted not to. It was both a bliss and a curse that Thorin had called upon them both to join the company, assuming that if one answered, the other would come too.

Kili couldn't remember when it had started, but at some point he had begun to see his brother in a different light. It had been as if his feelings had changed shape along with his physical appearance: as his voice had turned lower, the admiration and brotherly love he'd always felt for Fili had turned to something deeper, and as he'd started to find new hairs covering his body, he'd also started to find himself absorbed in his thoughts, thoughts that he shouldn't have been thinking, if he knew anything about that sorts of things. Fili had occupied his mind, slowly but surely, along with all his senses: where the older dwarf had gone, Kili's eyes had followed; if he had made a sound, Kili had been sure to hear it even amidst a loud conversation; and whenever they had touched, bumping into each other in a narrow corridor or Fili ruffling his loose hair while passing by, Kili had felt a shiver down his spine that had had nothing to do with the cold breeze blowing through the caves. He had felt something twitch inside him whenever Fili had flashed him a smile or even uttered his name, and that something had burst into flames when on one of his birthdays Fili had held him, kissed his brow, and told him how proud he was to have a little brother.

_It was one of those evenings when Kili, after a hard day's work and a fortnight without washing himself, decided to take a bath. He sat in the warm water for over an hour, rubbing stains of dirt from his skin, letting himself relax. After drying himself off, he put on his undergarments and trousers and was about to untangle his newly washed hair when Fili entered the room._

"_Let me do that", he said, taking the comb from Kili's hand. The blonde dwarf glanced at his bare upper body and Kili felt a sudden urge to cover himself, but could not move when Fili started to comb his hair. They were so close Kili had to shut his eyes, for the scent of Fili and his breath against his face made his heart jump to his throat. Even when the older one moved behind his back, running the comb through the hair at the back of his head, he was unable to utter a word._

"_When will you start braiding your hair, brother?" Fili asked, gently untangling Kili's dark locks. They were still damp: a drop of water from his hair ran down his back, below the loose waist of his trousers, causing him to tense. What made him tremble was the sensation of Fili's gaze following the wet trail on his skin. "I could do it for you, teach you, you know."_

"_I'm perfectly capable of taking care of my hair myself", Kili snapped, a bit louder than he had intended. Fili put the comb on the nearby shelf and placed his hands on the younger one's shoulders, still standing behind him, stroking his skin with his thumbs. Kili threw his eyes open and tried hard to control his body to prevent his upcoming erection from happening, and the struggle made him shake visibly and his brother chuckle._

"_Don't be so peevish, I'm only trying to advise."_

"_I don't need your advice, nor your help!" Beyond his incitement, Kili had started to feel uncomfortable. His cheeks were burning and his voice had risen an octave. "Leave me alone!"_

"_But are you not my baby?" Fili murmured in his ear._

"_Stop it! I'm not a child!"_

"_I can see that."_

_Before Kili managed to form an objection, Fili's hand slipped inside his garments, pressing his crotch. Suddenly all the blood fled his face and rushed down to his cock._

"_No, you're not a child anymore", Fili whispered, wrapping his fingers around Kili's hardness – where his other hand was, Kili couldn't feel and didn't want to know._

"_Don't touch me there!"_

_Kili buried his face in his hands, still shaking, still unable to move when Fili started taking him towards the edge._

Kili had not told a thing to their mother, nor Thorin, nor anyone else. He had felt filthy, and still did. The incident had not been his fault, he knew that, but he also knew his feelings towards his brother should've changed, and yet they had not. Days had passed before Kili had been able to say anything to Fili, weeks before he had braced himself enough for looking him in the eye, only to find how much worse the ache in his heart had become. When he woke up the first thought in his mind was his brother; whenever he touched himself he could only remember what had happened that one night in the bathroom - how he, somewhere beneath his fear and disgust, had actually _enjoyed_ it; and when he dreamt, he dreamt of Fili.

There was no sound to be heard in the bedroom exept that of Fili's quiet snoring. The two dwarves lay on the opposite sides of the bed, Kili still awake, watching the blonde's calm face and the hair that framed it. A slight, sad smile lifted the corners of his mouth upwards. How wrong Fili was, he thought. The following day would make no difference – for Kili, everything had already changed years ago.

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I'm a slow writer, and unfortunately I don't have very much time at the moment, so you'll probably have to wait at least a week or two for the second part. There will most likely be at least three parts, could be more, but I cannot promise anything yet.

All kinds of comments and questions are very welcome. :)


	2. Part II

Aaand the story continues. Now we get to the scenes in the Hobbit movie - here's my interpretation of what happened at Bag End on a certain night.

Thank you for the warm welcome I got, hope you'll enjoy reading this part as much as I enjoyed writing it.

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**Part II**

Darkness had settled over the green hills of Hobbiton when Fili and Kili arrived at Bilbo Baggins' front door. They had left their ponies in the care of the plump innkeeper of Green Dragon, following their uncle's orders. It was a warm, pleasant spring evening, the scent of flowers floating from the hobbits' gardens and the chirp of grasshoppers carrying in the air. The sky was clear, stars were shining like diamonds adorning dark blue velvet.

"It's not blue, it's black already. Use your eyes", Kili grunted, grinding his teeth.

"I was just trying to be eloquent", Fili said casually and kept watching the constellations above as they walked up the gentle slope towards the door they saw a rune shimmering on.

"I'd rather have you be accurate", the younger dwarf mumbled, but his brother either didn't hear him or didn't care. _What a prick_, Kili thought, but couldn't help feeling a tinge of pleasure seeing Fili smile contentedly up to the skies. The brunette himself did not feel good at all: he was hungry, slightly tired, anxious about the meeting ahead, and most of all, ashamed and angry with himself after once again seeing inappropriate dreams the previous night and waking up practically in his brother's arms in the morning. Fortunately Fili had been so drowsy that when Kili had pushed him away in panic, he'd fallen off the bed and continued his snoring on the floor, afterwards not remembering how he'd ended up there in the first place. Kili had rushed out of the room and into the backyard, washing his face with the cold water from the well there, being sulky and quiet ever since. With his huffs, snarls and glares and his rude replies to Fili's occasional attempts to raise a discussion, Kili was trying to hide the fact that he'd got scared, more than he cared to admit even to himself. They'd been so close, _too_ close, for he could remember his lips brushing Fili's skin before he had woken up and realized what he'd been doing. And that was only what had happened in real life. In his dream... Gods. _You'll be the ruination of me_, Kili thought as they stopped at the marked green door and Fili turned to flash his contented smile at him.

"Here it is", the blonde stated. "Suppose we're the first ones?"

Kili shrugged, knowing that soon he'd have to set his bad mood aside and meet the members of the company with a broad smile and cheerful words. He'd have to act. For that moment, however, he could still be his current self and not bother to answer properly.

"What's wrong with you, brother?" Fili asked, raising his eyebrows. His beautiful, worried face and the genuine concern in his voice made Kili want to punch him or kiss him, or maybe both, but instead he only frowned and mumbled something insignificant before knocking the door.

"Ah, well", Fili said and shifted closer, "you'll cheer up when you get something to eat. Let's hope the halfling has enough food for the whole gang." He placed his left hand on Kili's lower back, stroking it encouragingly. The younger dwarf tensed immediately. Suddenly they heard noises from inside the hobbit hole, and Fili took his hand off just before the door opened. Kili managed to replace the startled look on his face with a wide grin as they introduced themselves to the hobbit.

"You must be mister Boggins", he greeted, pronouncing the name incorrectly in his excitement.

"No, you can't come in, you've come to the wrong house", the little one said and tried to close the door. Kili resisted, stepping forward, followed by his brother. "What? Has it been cancelled?" he exclaimed, barely hearing Fili wonder "No-one told us" next to him. For the second time that day Kili found himself scared out of his wits. What if the hobbit would not let them in? Would they have to meet Thorin, Gandalf and the others someplace else? Would there be a meeting at all? And would he and Fili have to spend yet another night together in the same bed, in an inn room with no other company? He could not do that, he simply could not. If he wasn't careful he would sooner or later accidentally do something that would reveal his feelings to Fili, and how could he be careful in his sleep, driven by his vivid dreams that seemingly made him loose control of his actions? The company _had_ to get into Bag End, the meeting could _not_ be cancelled.

"Ca-? No, nothing's been cancelled!" the hobbit snapped, visibly annoyed. Kili could not have hoped to hear better news. "That's a relief!" he sighed and stepped in, not minding the halfling's protests. His grin grew even wider when he saw that Dwalin and Balin had already arrived and hence he would no longer have to suffer the awkward moments alone with Fili, at least not for a while.

The evening went on. More dwarves came in, Gandalf came in, they ate, drank, sang and laughed, and made poor Bilbo Baggins dash from one room to another looking utterly helpless and miserable. Kili almost felt sorry for starting to throw plates and cups in the air with his comrades, but it was all too fun and the ale he'd drunk had made him feel boisterous, so he didn't care. Even more fun was to see the look of surprise on the hobbit's face when all the dishes had been piled unbroken on the dinner table. It had been too long since Kili had had such a good time.

When Thorin arrived, the atmosphere changed dramatically. He didn't seem too convinced of the halfling's abilities – neither did many others – and he also brought bad news from Ered Luin: Dain would not join the company. Still the prince was determined to take back his grandfather's kingdom, and even gave Bilbo the contract, after a bit of persuasion from Gandalf. Too bad the hobbit fainted after hearing Bofur's graphic description of what the dragon guarding the Lonely Mountain could do to him.

While they were sitting around the table, discussing the journey ahead, Kili found himself behaving rather oddly considering the state of mind he'd been in for the past few weeks, or years, actually. Maybe it was because he was tired and a bit tipsy, or because of the warm, relieved feeling that seeing his old friends and relatives had caused – for one reason or another, he felt exceptionally and unexpectedly relaxed in Fili's company. They'd sat next to each other during the dinner, mostly because they were expected to, and although they had risen and walked around the house and others had taken their place, they were sitting next to each other again, closer than before. Their sides were touching, they exchanged glances whenever one or the other was about to speak or someone else said something important, and a couple of times Kili put his hand on Fili's shoulder and let it rest there, most of his self-awareness blurred by alcohol. He did, however, notice a hint of confusion in Fili's eyes, but pushed aside the little voice inside his head that tried to warn him of trouble. Nobody else seemed to think there was anything peculiar – in fact they hardly paid attention to the two brothers, since they were young and inexperienced when it came to wandering the eastern parts of Middle-Earth and fighting mischievous creatures and other serious business.

Matters concerning the quest for Erebor were discussed and agreed on, and the night concluded with a magical moment as the dwarves sang the tale of their lost home they so longed for. Melancholy filled Kili's heart: he'd been born long after his ancestors' kingdom had been destroyed, but Thorin had told him and Fili so many stories about it that sometimes he felt as if he'd been there himself and seen its glory with his own eyes. He lay down quietly in one of Bilbo's guestrooms, accompanied by his brother, Dori, Nori, and Ori, who exchanged a few words before going to sleep as well. Kili tried to close his eyes and empty his mind, in vain, and for a moment he felt like crying. The day had been such a struggle, his emotions had varied rapidly, and now that his intoxication was slowly passing off, he felt lousy again. Thorin had been gloomy all evening, Balin had seemed reluctant to let a group of smiths and old warriors set out to face the horrific Smaug, and Bilbo Baggins would not come along. Although Kili wasn't sure at all whether he was the kind of burglar they needed, he thought the hobbit was an amusing little fellow and would have made a great addition to the company. Now they would have to do without him. Kili let out a sigh of disappointment and turned over.

From behind his back he heard someone crawl closer. He was facing the wall, but hearing Ori's sleepy snorts and knowing that Dori slept in the bed and Nori on an armchair while the others lay on the floor, he could guess that someone was Fili.

"Brother", the older dwarf whispered. Kili felt the warmth emitting from Fili's body, his light breath in his hair, and the familiar twitch inside him as he realized how close they were again. Trouble, the voice in his head stated. He remained silent.

"Kili", Fili whispered, a bit louder. "I know you're awake." Kili hissed, he didn't want the others to hear whatever it was that his brother had come to say. Fili took the hint and lowered his voice. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine", Kili answered, falsehood clearly audible in his voice.

"No, you're not", Fili insisted and moved closer, now only an inch between the two of them. "You've been acting strangely the whole day, if not ever since we left the Blue Mountains. First you won't talk to me, then you behave like we're best friends, and now you won't talk to me again. Something's wrong."

"I was angry, I _am_ angry, I was just drunk in between."

"Not so drunk."

"More or less."

Silence descended upon them. Ori's snorts had changed into snoring, and the other two were breathing heavily as well. The house was quiet around them. After a while Kili sensed Fili move and thought he would leave, but instead the blonde pressed his forehead against the nape of his neck and his hand on his side.

"Don't be angry", he whispered. "I know you're stressed about this Erebor thing, proving yourself and so forth, but just... Don't be angry." In Fili's voice Kili heard something that sent waves of regret through his heart: vulnerability. He'd been so absorbed in his own thoughts that he hadn't realized how much his rudeness might have actually hurt Fili, who was master at hiding his feelings when needed to. How could he have been so stupid?

"Um", Kili started, a lump in his throat. "Yes, I am stressed, but... Well..." He swallowed. "I shouldn't have treated you so badly this morning. Today. I'm... sorry."

Fili stroked his side gently. "Are we not best friends?" he asked.

"We were."

A single tear ran down Kili's face as Fili crawled back to his sleeping place, leaving him alone in the dark. He put his hand on where Fili's had rested a moment ago and fell asleep to his brother's scent still floating around him.

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Oooh, the feels. (giggles) I'm not actually sure if Fili and Kili sat next to each other during the dinner scene (can't remember every single detail of the movie), but that's what they do in my interpretation of the story. ;)

Again I have no idea when will I post the third part - first I'll have to start writing it - but I can tell that there will be at least three more parts. Do me a favor and tell me what you think about this one?


	3. Part III

Wow, it's been a month since the previous part... My apologies for the late update, I've been both busy and lazy lately. Here's the third part, hope you'll enjoy.

Oh, and thank you to all the followers and those who have favorited this story, you people are such darlings.

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**Part III**

"Wait! Waaait!"

Riding through a deciduous forest the following morning, the company heard someone call out behind them. Soon they saw Bilbo Baggins run towards carrying a knapsack, waving a large piece of paper in his hand. Everyone stopped and watched in astonishment as the hobbit handed the contract to Balin.

"I signed it", he panted, looking quite proud of himself. The old dwarf studied the signature carefully, then smiled approvingly. In a few moments Bilbo was riding a pony alongside Gandalf and little bags of coins flew in the air changing owners. Kili hadn't taken part in making wagers on whether the halfling had indeed chosen to stay in his comfortable home instead of joining them, but couldn't help flashing a malicious grin at Fili who had just lost his bet. Some of the dwarves were casting suspicious glances on the hobbit, but Kili knew they were secretly pleased about this rather unexpected turn of events.

And so they began their journey, riding east of Hobbiton on a beautiful spring day. The sun smiled on its way up to the sky, the green grass of the hills waved languidly in the warm breeze. The dwarves' earlier grumpiness had vanished by Bilbo's sudden appearance, and they joked and chatted light-heartedly on the way. Songs were sung, and the disapproving looks they got from the hobbits passing by and their own burglar's attempts to hide from those looks only made them laugh louder. Even Thorin seemed a bit more cheerful than before, although he spent most of the time silent and alone. The black-haired prince was a grave man, and Kili knew this quest meant everything to him, so he thought it best not to disturb his uncle. Besides, Thorin led the company, riding ahead of the others, whereas Kili himself was the last of the group – or would've been, if Fili had not ridden next to him. The blonde's presence made him feel uneasy, especially after their awkward conversation on the previous night, but he didn't want to raise any suspicions in the others and tried to be friendly, exchanging a few words with his brother from time to time. He made sure, however, to keep within earshot from Oin and Gloin in front of them so that Fili couldn't pick a subject too serious. When they set up a camp in a large clearing in the evening, Kili was happy to lie down on his bedroll as far from Fili as he could.

Days passed and the Shire was left behind. The company travelled through forests and meadows and grassy plains, both in sunshine and in pouring rain. Every day Kili chose to be left at the end of the line, hoping that Fili would ride ahead and leave him alone, and every day he failed. Even though the older one would often ride beside Nori or Bofur, laughing at their pranks, or listen to Dwalin tell about the fights he'd fought in, or even talk with Thorin or Gandalf, he always came back to Kili and smiled innocently at his displeased glares. Little by little the brunette's annoyance faded and turned into indifference, and since he no longer saw the blonde in his dreams every night or had to sleep next to him, Kili thought perhaps he could let himself be a bit more casual in his company. _Maybe I'm starting to be cured_, he pondered, _for this is a disease, isn't it? No-one should desire their own brother._ Still, dreams about Fili had not all gone, and when Thorin sometimes ordered the two of them to take a shared guard shift or gather firewood together, Kili had to pinch himself hard to stop his thoughts wandering away from the task at hand.

One night the company set up camp on a rocky hill in the middle of a rugged fir forest. There was a niche in a large rock where Fili sat down after a late supper and lit his pipe, leaning his back against the rough wall. Kili decided to keep him company while some of the other dwarves lay down around the campfire, Gloin already fast asleep and snoring. Gandalf sat under a large spruce smoking his pipe as well, and Thorin stood at the edge of the steep hill, gazing at the Misty Mountains rising in the east.

Kili should have known his uncle was not in the mood for jokes, for his gloomy expression grew even darker when the brunette tricked Bilbo into believing there were orcs nearby. Fili got his share of the prince's stern words as well and muttered something about overprotectiveness and poor sense of humour, only so loud that Kili could hear. Balin consoled them and began telling why was it that Thorin hated orcs so much. The young brothers had of course heard about Thror's death in the hands of Azog the Defiler before, but soon they were listening as keenly as the hobbit, who heard the story for the first time. Kili had not known how Balin had come to regard his uncle so highly, and the old dwarf's words made him look at their leader in awe. He could imagine how Thorin had led his people to victory and sliced off the Pale Orc's hand in the battlefield, and felt a shiver down his spine. Those asleep had woken up and soon every dwarf was standing as Balin spoke out what they all felt then.

"There is one I could follow. There is one I could call king."

That night Kili had a nightmare. He was alone, fighting against an army of orcs in a place he didn't recognize. There was no-one to help him: he didn't see his brother, he didn't see his uncle. He ran out of arrows, his shield was shattered, and he was only a mediocre swordsman facing dozens and dozens of orcs with terrible weapons in their hands. Somewhere in the distance Kili saw the scarred figure of a huge white orc, and horror rushed through him like a flooding river when the creature met his eyes and started running towards him. The brunette could not escape, more orcs were coming from every direction, and the blood lust in Azog's eyes made him freeze with terror as the Pale Orc raised its spiky club and prepared to swing his head off his shoulders.

Kili woke up panting, cold sweat covering his skin all over. Someone was rubbing his back, humming soothing words in his ear. It was Fili. Kili tried to sit up but the blonde held him down, firmly but gently.

"It's all right, Kili, calm down." Fili was sitting behind him, leaning forward to meet his gaze. Kili blushed, embarrassed. Had he yelled in his sleep? He tried to look whether the others were awake, but Fili put his hand on his cheek so that he could not turn his head.

"Relax, Kili. They're asleep. Bifur's guarding the camp."

"I-I had a bad dream", Kili stuttered and shoved his brother's hand away.

"I could've told it myself", Fili replied with a wry smile. "About Azog?"

Kili frowned. "How did you -"

"You always had nightmares as a child when you'd just heard an exciting bedtime story", the blonde said with a smirk. "Don't you remember? You would almost kick me off our bed, running away from goblins and giants in your sleep." The red on Kili's cheeks deepened and he felt like hitting his brother hard, but was too tired. "Don't worry", the other one continued, "I don't blame you. Balin is a heck of a storyteller. Remember what Thorin said, the Pale Orc died long ago. He cannot harm you."

Fili's words and his soft voice made Kili set aside the violent visions his mind had been swarming with a few moments ago. "I know", he mumbled before drifting to a dreamless sleep.

When he woke up next time, Fili was there, lying on his back next to him, watching the clouds move across the morning sky. The others were awake or waking up as well, yawning and stretching and packing their belongings. Kili sat up and rubbed his eyes.

"Why are you there again?" he asked.

"I never left", his brother stated. "I thought I should stay and watch over, in case you should have another bad dream." He poked Kili with his elbow, lightly. "You silly."

"I slept fine, you idiot", Kili said back with a sheepish grin, a sudden twitch of affection tugging his insides. Fili stood up and dragged him along, and they began helping the others with their chores.

In the evening, after a long day of riding through rough terrain, Kili lay on his bedroll and waited for sleep. He was indeed prone to nightmares and feared that the orcs would come haunting his dreams again, and he certainly didn't want the others to wake up to him screaming and think he was weak. He wasn't afraid to fight enemies in real life, but nightmares where he was alone and helpless were another thing.

Kili watched as Dwalin took the guard shift and let yawning Dori lie down between his brothers, the three of them soon sleeping side by side. Now that he thought of it, most of the dwarves had spent their nights snuggled up to each other like it was – and, on a journey like this, it was – the most natural thing to do. Oin and Gloin slept back to back; Bofur usually cuddled up to Bombur's large side, or to Bifur or Balin who were more reluctant but didn't send him off either; and Thorin didn't even in his worst days place his fur coat and blankets far from his comrades. Except for Gandalf and Bilbo, who had kept their distance stating that the dwarves' concept of personal territory was in notable contradiction with their concept of personal hygiene, only Fili and Kili had been avoiding each other, which, Kili realized, had probably raised more suspicions in the others than it had not. He turned over and saw his brother lying on the other side of the campfire, eyes closed, facing his direction. Would it be safe to move closer? Kili rolled his eyes, why was he thinking like the blonde was some sort of a monster? Gods, they were of the same blood, surely he could sleep by Fili's side if he felt like it, and now he did. Actually, crept a thought into his mind as he watched Fili sleeping, his face more hypnotizing than the dancing flames, actually he had felt like it many times since they'd left Hobbiton. Actually there was nothing Kili wanted more at that moment than to fall asleep next to his brother, to the sweet scent of his skin and hair, knowing that if something should happen, Fili would be there. But what if he saw those inappropriate dreams of his again? Well, he could take that risk, or he could stay where he was and take the risk of having nightmares.

Kili made his decision and stood up, took his bedroll with him and placed it next to Fili, trying his best not to disturb the others in their sleep. He lay down and sighed, and fell asleep before long, not noticing how Fili turned towards him wide awake, studying his face until the fire was but dying embers.

Ever since the two brothers slept every night side by side again. Sometimes Kili went to Fili, mumbling excuses and looking somewhat apologetic as he wasn't sure whether the blonde would approve; more often Fili came to him, not asking for permission or joking about the matter, as Kili thought he would; and after a while whenever the company set up a new camp, they automatically placed their bedrolls next to each other for the night. They looked after each other's belongings without asking, they shared their guard shifts, they rode together behind everyone else, chatting and jesting and cursing the bad weather or their aching backs, and Kili was happy. He was still sometimes uncomfortable in his brother's company, he still dreamt of him and pinched himself several times a day until his arms and thighs were covered in small bruises, but when Fili laughed at his jokes or snuggled up to him in his sleep, none of that mattered. Alive and in good health, surrounded by friends and Fili by his side, Kili was happy. _I could live like this_, he thought one day when they were riding through a small grove, and glanced at his brother. _I would rather end my days and be born into a new life if I only knew you'd be there with me, but for now this is enough._

Kili was distracted from his reflections as Fili suddenly spoke.

"Do you love me?"

Kili almost swallowed his tongue. "Of course, we're brothers", he answered as casually as he could. Why was the blonde asking such things? Had he noticed something? Fili did not look at him, just nodded. There was a strange look on his face, something that on the face of someone else would've meant the slightest hint of disappointment, but that on Fili's face could mean anything. Kili frowned – his brother was intangible.

A couple of days later the company arrived at a derelict farmer's house and by order of Thorin started to set up camp there. Fili and Kili were told to look after the ponies, which they did: they took the animals to a clearing in the woods nearby, stripped them off their saddles and the equipment they had been carrying, and fed them, for there was not much grass on the ground for them to eat. The brothers were silent, Fili looking calm as usual, seemingly bored by the task. The silence and their distance from the others – they could only see the faint orange glow of the campfire behind the trees – made Kili feel a bit uneasy again, but at the same time he was glad about this chance to be with Fili, to watch him do the simple chores with his lithe hands and strong arms. They exchanged a few glances here and there, some lasting longer than necessary, but made no faces, no sounds.

While brushing the ponies Kili let himself ponder the incident at their home, that certain evening so many years ago. He had not thought about it properly for a long time, if ever, and he still didn't want to look back too much on what exactly had happened; instead the question in his mind, the question that had been bothering him ever since, that popped up whenever he saw Fili and let his thoughts wander, was why. Why had his brother touched him like that? Why had he not sought his pleasures elsewhere? Had he wanted to humiliate him, to show that he was the dominant one and Kili just a young boy who should obey and fear his elder? Or perhaps – and this thought sent cold shivers down Kili's spine – perhaps Fili had deliberately wanted to ruin his life, to confuse him out of his mind for something he had done, for being a poor little brother, was that the reason? He didn't want to think that of his only sibling, his closest friend, but then again... Fili kept so many of his thoughts to himself. He never talked about his feelings, and his expressions revealed nothing. Sometimes he laughed, sometimes he shed tears, sometimes his face turned red with anger, but there was always something that stayed hidden. Was it hate, bitterness, or even jealousy? Kili could not have suppressed such strong emotions for so long, his mood was always visible on his face: when he was happy, he smiled and there was a twinkle in his eyes that outshined the stars, as their mother would say; when he was sad, he cried and sobbed and couldn't stop; and when he was angry, he raged like a thunder god. The only emotion he had kept deep inside himself was his unbrotherly affection for Fili, and often that, too, felt too great a burden to bear.

When each of the sixteen ponies had been brushed, the blonde and the brunette sat down on a fallen tree with nothing to do. Kili twiddled his thumbs and tried to think about something else than the dwarf next to him. Fili's recent behaviour had made him even more confused than before, although quite happy at the same time. All those expressions of friendship and caring, helping Kili with his chores, spending most of the time with him and the others or with him alone – none of that seemed to fit in with the fact that Fili had abused him and might hate him as well as he might not. Was the blonde trying to atone for what he'd done, or was he up to something foul? What was happening and why? Kili's head was full of questions he couldn't answer.

"Kili?" Fili asked and shifted on the log. Kili turned to look at him. "Could you braid my hair?"

_Why?_ Kili thought again, but moved closer so that they were both sitting astride the tree trunk, facing each other. He started untying one of the braids in Fili's hair, uncomfortable with how the other stared at him with his golden brown eyes. The last time they'd done this was the day before they'd embarked on the journey: Kili remembered how their mother had fussed around the room, failing to hide her nervousness, while Fili had blabbered about the quest and he himself had but sulked and tried to get his brother's hair in order. Now there was no-one around to fuss, their mother was at home in the Blue Mountains, their comrades sat around the campfire out of earshot, even the ponies were some distance away. It was just the two of them. Aware of this, Kili opened the clasps and untied all the braids in Fili's hair until it flowed loose on the blonde's shoulders. He couldn't resist sliding his fingers through the locks a few extra times as if to comb them before starting to braid them again. _Be careful_, said the little voice in his head as he accidentally touched Fili's ear.

"Will you ever do anything to yours?" the other one asked when Kili was placing a clasp on the back of his head.

"Hmm?" Kili hummed, holding another clasp between his lips.

"To your hair", Fili clarified and touched the dark hair on Kili's forehead. "It looks rather dreadful, I must say. You look more like a tramp than a royal heir."

"You're the heir here, not me, and stay still", Kili said and placed the other clasp. "Can we not talk about something else?"

"Well, your beard then", Fili said and, without warning, ran his fingers over Kili's jaw. "Why won't you let it grow?"

"I-I prefer to keep it short", the younger one answered. "Mind your own business", he added before remembering to mind his manners. "Please."

Silence settled between them again. Sun had set and darkness was falling over the woods, but Kili could still see well in the dusk. When he'd finished braiding Fili's hair, he took a moment to check that each braid was tight, then nodded acceptingly.

"The moustache, too", Fili said, raising his eyebrows expectantly. _Trouble_, warned the voice in Kili's head, but he did as he was told. He tried to avoid Fili's gaze, but couldn't help looking him in the eye every once in a while and revel in the sensation it caused inside him. _I could kiss him right here_, came a thought into his mind. _If I dared._

"Kili?" his brother asked after a moment.

"Yes?"

"Are we sleeping the night together again?"

Fili's voice was soft and he smiled gently. Kili fluttered his eyes, what was this now? He noticed having leant a bit forward and straightened himself up quickly.

"Of course!" he let out. "I mean, if you want to. You don't have to, I was just assuming that since we've been sleeping together for so many nights we would do so tonight as well, so you don't have to. Ask for permission, I mean, a-and you don't have to be with me, I mean next to me" - Kili swallowed, he was starting to stumble in his words - "you can sleep with whomever you want, I-I mean, not _sleep_ like that, you know" - _this is terrible_, he thought - "I mean of course you can sleep with anyone you choose, it's not my business, but you can sleep with me, I-I mean _beside_ me, tonight, and tomorrow, b-but you don't have to, but you can, I mean, if you want to." He nipped his mouth shut, eyes wide open, only now realizing that his fingers were still holding on to the braids he had finished. He took his hands off Fili's face, hoping that the other would be oblivious to his terror. It was a forlorn hope.

"You do", the blonde stated, a low chuckle escaping his throat. _By Durin, I want to be dead_, Kili thought. He could feel his cheeks burn so red that even in the dark there was no way Fili would not notice. Trying desperately to make up any excuse to escape the situation, he suddenly heard noises from where they'd left the ponies. _Thank gods._

"What was that?" he whispered and rose quickly. Fili had heard it too, and the two of them headed swiftly but silently fo the clearing. There was no-one but the ponies, nothing seemed to be wrong – except that when they counted the animals, the result was fourteen instead of sixteen.

Just as soon as they'd realized to have screwed up the one job they'd been given, arrived Bilbo Baggins with two bowls of Bofur's soup in his hands. In a few moments the hobbit was sneaking towards another clearing where three revolting trolls were planning to cook a meal of their now four lost ponies, and it didn't take long after that until the two young dwarves saw that maybe it had not been such a good idea to send their burglar there alone.

* * *

Things are progressing slowly... Oh yes, I decided that in this fic Fili should have golden brown eyes, I think it fits my interpretation of the character.

Three more parts coming up! Be patient with the next one again, I don't have any deadlines so it might take some time. Meanwhile, review?


	4. Part IV

Here we are again, it's time for the fourth part of this little story of mine. I hope you haven't got too tired of waiting for the updates, I know it's been a while since the previous part. Patience is a virtue, right?

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**Part IV**

Alive. He was alive, they all were, thank gods. It had all happened so fast: first Kili had run to the clearing, foolishly alone, the adrenaline in his veins blurring his judgement; soon he had been fighting the trolls with Thorin, Dwalin, Balin, Oin, Gloin, Bifur, Bofur, Bombur, Dori, Nori, Ori, and Fili by his side; next they were forced to put down their weapons to save Bilbo from being torn to pieces; and finally, after lying on the ground tied up with coarse ropes and put to sacks, listening to the trolls discuss how they should be cooked, they'd heard Gandalf return - when had the wizard actually left? - and distract the ugly creatures long enough for them to turn to stone in the first light of the rising sun. Fili and Kili had been put to the same sack, back to back, their wrists and ankles tied together – it would've been painful enough even without the awkward silence that had once again settled between them after their previous conversation had been cut short by the pony theft. When the mouth of the sack was opened and Balin cut the ropes, Kili staggered quickly further and fell after a few steps, his legs all but numb from spending the last couple of hours tied up to his brother. Fili, on the other hand, was smarter and rubbed and stretched his limbs before standing up on his feet.

Soon the company found the trolls' cave: a large and stinking hole half underground, full of stolen items from junk to treasures. Bofur, Gloin and Nori hid a chestful of coins in the cave, others took whatever they saw necessary with them and headed outside. Kili was watching Bifur show him the bear skull he'd found, when Fili came out and beckoned him over.

"Take this", the blonde said, handing him something. It was a buckle, a beautifully patterned piece of silver. "Should suit your cloak."

"Wha- why?" Kili asked, looking at the buckle in Fili's hand. It was unusual for dwarves, who were very fond of precious metals and would rather keep all valuable goods they found themselves, to give each other such items except on special occasions.

"You fought well in your first battle", Fili stated and flashed an encouraging smile. _Oh_, Kili realized, _that was indeed my first real battle_. "No, I did not", he said and shook his head. "I tried to save Bilbo but ended up getting us all into trouble. If Gandalf had not come, we would've been killed. I was of no use."

"It was not your fault that things didn't go as planned", Fili said and handed the buckle right under Kili's nose. "You fought well", he repeated. "Take it."

Kili did as he was told and put the buckle in a small pouch attached to his belt. When he looked up, he saw how the smile on his brother's face had turned a bit forced, and frowned. _He was joking_, Kili thought, _he was only joking and now he's trying to suppress his laughter._ "Are you mocking me?" the younger dwarf growled and clenched his fists, ready to start a fight.

"No, I'm not", Fili said seriously. "No, I mean it, you did well. It was... very brave of you to defend our burglar like that." The blonde looked down, and Kili was confused.

"I-I would've defended anyone in the company just as bravely", he stated. Their eyes met, and for once Kili was able to distinguish the expression on his brother's face. _Relief._

Before he could think further, they heard noises from deeper in the forest, coming closer at a terrifying speed. Quickly the dwarves, Bilbo, and Gandalf gathered together and drew their swords, ready to face whatever it was that was coming at them. First Kili thought he was hallucinating, for steering a team of harnessed rabbits arrived in their midst an old man with a shaggy beard and hair smutted in something that looked like birds' faeces. It seemed that this peculiar person was an acquaintance of Gandalf's and a wizard himself, and very anxious. The news he brought were ominous and the company listened carefully, exchanging both worried and suspicious glances.

They didn't have the chance to discuss the matter, however, for they suddenly got attacked by an orc scout riding a warg – the most horrid beast Kili had ever seen. Did he kill it or was it someone else, he did not know and had no time to think about as the company fled the forest and headed for the plains in the east. Radagast, the funny little wizard, was helping them, but the orcs soon discovered his bluff and surrounded the others. Kili had no idea where he found his courage, but he fought, fought and ran until the situation got desperate and Gandalf told them to hide in the underground cave he'd found. Even when the orcs and wargs were either killed or chased away by men or elves or some others riding white horses – they couldn't see much from the cave – and the company started moving on, the brunette's heart was still pounding with fear. He looked at Fili and opened his mouth to ask if the other was all right, but no words came out. His brother understood him anyway and nodded, a bright smile spreading across his face. That hurt. For several moments Kili had to fight back tears walking ahead of the blonde in the narrow tunnel, feeling his gaze at the back of his head. _You must never die_, he thought. _I'll never let you die._

When the tunnel ended and the company saw the hidden valley of Rivendell unveiling itself in front of their eyes, several dwarves let out a sigh of frustration, Kili among them. After a long day of fighting trolls, running from orcs, and trying to comprehend his brother's behaviour, he certainly did not want to meet any elves, let alone dine at their table or sleep in their chambers.

"This is too much", Kili whined as they began descending the path to the valley. Fili walked right behind him, and chuckled.

"This is adventure", he said.

When darkness fell, Kili felt already better. He didn't trust Elrond and his people any more than the other dwarves, but he was pleased to have a roof over his head for the night and a soft bed to sleep in. The rubbish the elves called food was not very satisfying, but Nori and Bofur managed to nick some bread and sausages and shared them with the others while Thorin, Balin, Gandalf and Bilbo were discussing their journey with the elf lord. Everyone went to bed early: their plan was to leave in secret before sunrise, Gandalf taking care of the bluff, so that the nosey elves could not meddle in their quest. Kili's bed was not in the same room as Fili's, but despite that – or perhaps just because of that – he fell asleep mere seconds after he'd slipped under the blankets.

_xxx_

Fili woke up for no reason in the middle of the night. He wasn't hungry, he wasn't cold, there were no noises that would've interrupted his sleep. Sure it was weird to spend the night in an Elvish house, where everything was clean and the sheets in his bed smelled like flowers or nothing at all, but that sort of things didn't usually bother him. Fili could sleep anywhere. He fell asleep quickly, he rarely saw any dreams and when he did, he forgot about them by noon, and he was able to wake up from the deepest slumber completely alert in seconds. Wondering why had he woken up now, Fili sat up and glanced over the room. The elves had given the company two bedrooms to share, and for some reason he'd ended up in the smaller one with Oin, Gloin, Balin, Bifur, and Bilbo. They were all fast asleep, as Fili would've liked to be as well: they'd be leaving in a couple of hours, and would probably not be able to to spend their nights as comfortably in a long, long time.

The blonde dwarf yawned and scratched his bare chest, ready to go back to sleep, when he heard silent noises from behind the wall. Someone in the other bedroom was panting, and somehow Fili knew it was his brother. _The orcs_, Fili realized, _of course they've gotten into his dreams again. And the wargs._ It sounded like Kili was awake, shifting in his bed, trying to calm down. _Take it easy_, Fili thought and leant his forehead against the wall. The panting continued, however, and just as Fili thought he should go console the younger one, he heard him rise from the bed and walk out of the room. Soon Kili was at the door as he'd expected, but unlike he'd expected, the brunette didn't stop there, startled to find his brother awake as well, asking for permission, hesitating to come in. Instead he walked on, tears glistening in his eyes, and climbed straight away to Fili's bed, wrapping his arms around him and hiding his face in his hair.

"You and your stupid nightmares", Fili sighed and wanted to take back his words immediately, for Kili started sobbing against his shoulder. "Shh, I'm sorry, don't cry", he whispered and stroked Kili's back, which only made the younger dwarf cry louder. Fili could hear Gloin grunt and turn over, and he knew Bilbo had sharp ears. "Shh, Kili please, it's all right, don't wake up everyone else." He pushed aside the hair on Kili's brow to look into his red, swollen eyes, but the brunette avoided his gaze. "You don't want to tell me? All right." He let his little brother press his head against his neck and smelled the cold sweat Kili was covered in. "You're safe now. It's all right. Just sleep."

Fili kept whispering soothing words in his brother's ear until the brunette's breath became even and tears stopped leaking from his eyes. It took yet several moments until the younger one had fallen asleep, and only then did Fili dare loosen his hold to find a more comfortable position. Gently he pressed one, two, three kisses on Kili's forehead before closing his eyes and falling asleep as well.

_xxx_

Kili felt like he'd barely closed his eyes when he was woken up again, this time not by his nightmares, but by Balin urging them to get dressed and pack their belongings quickly and as silently as possible. Soon all the dwarves and Bilbo were out, heading towards the Misty Mountains that stood not many miles away, the rising sun painting the eastern sky in shades of pink and lilac. Nobody said a word about the noises Kili had made a few hours earlier, although he was sure they'd all heard him – except Oin, who was practically deaf. Otherwise the company was almost as loud as when they'd left Hobbiton some weeks ago: they joked, sang a song here and there, and made nasty comments about the elves and their peculiar habits, especially the cuisine. A few times Kili saw his brother looking at him oddly, but to his relief the blonde made no mention of his childish behaviour the previous night – the sheer memory of clinging to Fili and weeping in his arms like a baby made the brunette blush with shame.

The valley of Rivendell was a safe place, so they needed not worry about orcs or other mischievous creatures, but as soon as they reached the mountains, the company became less talkative and more careful. Climbing the rocky paths was slow and tiring, but they dared not sleep for long, instead kept moving on, hoping to cross the mountains without incident. A few days they travelled safe, until one particularly rainy evening...

"Giants! Stone giants!"

It was terrible. The pouring rain, the sounds of thunder and cracking rock, the sight of the fighting giants, the tremble under their feet when the cliff they were standing on turned out to be a part of one of those enormous creatures... Kili thought he would lose his mind any second. When Fili drifted away from him, stretching out his hand and shouting, Kili could not move, just stare at the blonde in horror. He didn't know what was happening, he didn't hear Thorin call his name, he couldn't feel a thing, he only saw grey rock where his brother should've been, by his side. At some point the thunder battle ended and the missing members of the company were found unharmed and Bilbo was saved from falling off the cliff, but Kili couldn't care less about the others as he made his way to Fili and sealed him in a tight embrace.

It was only after the company had found a cave and set up camp there when the brunette dared to speak again. He was lying on his bedroll, face to face with Fili, holding his hands in his own. _It is time_, he decided, a thousand thoughts and feelings storming in his mind. They could've died that day, they could die the next day, he had to confess.

"I-I was so afraid", he started. Fili looked into his eyes with a soft, sad smile on his lips.

"Me too", the blonde said and squeezed Kili's hands lightly, as if to say "Don't fear, we're all right now".

"Will you always be there?" Kili asked with a tiny voice. He felt like a little child, fearful and helpless, but then again, what else was he? He was no brave warrior, but haunted by nightmares, unable to let go of his older brother even as a mature dwarf. He was weak. "Will you?"

"I will, Kili, I'll never leave you, you're -"

"You were there."

"What?"

"In my nightmare", Kili whispered, eyes closed so that the other would not see the tears in his eyes. "In Rivendell. We were in the plains, fighting orcs and wargs just like we did after meeting Radagast. It was just us, they were too many, you were in danger and I couldn't help, you were screaming and I -"

"Shh!"

Kili swallowed the rest of the sentence and listened. It sounded like Bilbo was awake and talking with someone - Bofur, maybe? - and as Kili turned his head slowly, he saw the halfling carry all his belongings with him. Their burglar was leaving. The two brothers managed to exchange a worried glance until suddenly the ground opened beneath them and the whole company was sliding down towards the dark heart of the mountain.

When the warm rays of the morning sun touched his face and the high cries of the eagles pierced the silent sky, Kili felt a strange calmness settle in his mind. He had survived the violent fall in the rocky tunnel, he had escaped the undergroud Goblin town along with his friends, he had fought orcs and wargs and once again found the courage within him, so that he had been able to look straight at the Pale Orc with more scorn and anger than fear in his heart. _Maybe_, the young dwarf thought, _maybe I'm not that weak after all. Maybe I have deserved this._ He touched the pouch on his waist where he'd put the buckle Fili had given him. The blonde sat in front of him, one of the eagles carrying them over the easternmost peaks of the mountain range, its comrades flying close with the rest of the company on their backs. One of the birds was carrying Thorin in its claws: the black-haired dwarf was unconscious and injured after fighting Azog and his white warg. Oddly enough, Kili was not worried about his uncle: if he, the youngest and the most inexperienced of the group, had made it through the past day and night, he knew Thorin would make it through anything. He put his hand on Fili's shoulder as the blonde shouted their leader's name – this time Kili was the one who had to soothe the other.

Soon the company was standing on a high rock watching Gandalf – who had once again appeared out of nowhere in the middle of a tricky situation – mumble his spells over Thorin, and it was not long after that until the prince was standing on his own two feet, embracing Bilbo Baggins and apologizing to the hobbit for his doubts and harsh words. Everyone smiled, some laughed with relief, Bifur raised his fists in the air triumphantly, and Fili chuckled. Kili turned his head to look at his brother, whose hair shined like gold in the sunlight, and remembered how desperately he had wanted to unveil his true feelings after the thunder storm. _Maybe I was a bit hasty_, he now thought. He would have to sort out his thoughts before taking the step that could change his life forever, either ruin it or... He wasn't sure, he dared not hope. He turned his gaze towards the Lonely Mountain that stood now not so far away in the east. _Before we get there_, Kili promised himself, _before this journey ends, I will say it. Out loud._

"Well, that's a sight for sore eyes", his brother stated next to him. "Uncle Thorin is happy, the Misty Mountains are behind us and Erebor waits ahead."

Kili smiled and lowered his gaze.

_I love you, Fili._

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Ooooh, a wild change of POV in the middle of a chapter has appeared! Let's see what sort of shenanigans will I come up with next... (Always keep your readers on their toes, right?) Opinions about Fili's section - a good idea, a really bad idea, something in between?

This part was the most difficult to write so far, I didn't want to repeat every single scene of the movie so I had to skip a lot of things and the structure ended up like this. I have to admit that this part is also quite sappy, perhaps too much... Bear with me, guys? I dare say there's better stuff coming in the last two parts.

All kinds of comments are still very welcome. You can also PM me, if you don't want to criticize me in public. :P (Sorry for the rant, but I love to get feedback.)


	5. Part V

I'm terribly sorry for the late update, guys. Here's the fifth part of the story.

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**Part V**

When the sun was about to reach its highest point in the sky, the company came to a river. They found a bend where it was low and the rocks on the bottom were round and smooth and the water clear – a perfect place for a break. They had been walking the whole morning, mainly by order of Gandalf: the wizard had promised to lead them to an aquaintance of his, and apparently they had a long way to go if they wanted to get there before nightfall. By noon everyone was sweaty and exhausted, the older dwarves panting heavily and the younger ones gritting their teeth and muttering curses: as if their lack of sleep and heavy clothing weren't enough, now the sun that they'd missed so much in the mountains was scorching them and there was no breeze to bring them any comfort. It was definitely the middle of the summer.

Being able to drop their equipment on the grassy ground, take off their clothes and run into the river was heavenly, and the company made the most of it. Soon the air was filled with laughter and splashes. Kili, Ori, and Bofur took turns at climbing a high rock on one side of the riverbed and jumping into the sparkling water; Fili and Nori started a playful wrestling bout, soon joined in by Bifur and Dwalin, who couldn't resist showing off their strenght to the younger ones, while Thorin and Gloin were watching; Bilbo stayed away from they bout, afraid to get dragged in, washing the sweat and dirt off his skin with care; Dori, Oin, and Balin leant to the other side of the rivedbed, enjoying the cool, refreshing water, Oin so relaxed that he fell asleep; Gandalf kept his gown and hat on, but took off his boots and sat on the riverbank, dangling his feet in the slow current, smoking his pipe and chuckling at Bombur, who floated by with his huge belly high above the water. For a few moments they all felt like there was not a care in the world, just the hot summer day and the company of friends.

After having lunch made by Bofur and Bombur, as usual, Kili lay down on the grass in the shade of an oak that stood near the river, and took a nap. When he woke up, Fili lay next to him, and when he turned his head, he saw Gandalf sitting under the oak, again smoking his pipe, and Bilbo and Balin on the riverbank, chatting. The other dwarves were lazing around nearby, the sun had barely seemed to move in the sky.

"Hey, brother", Fili said and smiled. He had a hay straw between his teeth and his arms under his head, as calm and relaxed as ever. Kili instinctively smiled back.

"Ho-how long did I sleep?" he asked and rubbed his eyes.

"Only about half an hour", the blonde answered. He hadn't put his shirt back on, and the sunlight seeping through the leaves dotted his chest.

"Really?" Kili felt like he'd slept much longer and recovered most of his strength. His feet weren't aching anymore and he felt like he could easily walk for the rest of the day to wherever it was that the wizard was leading them to. He smiled again and turned on his back, inhaling the air that smelled of grass, the river, and of his brother.

A lark flew in the air and landed on a branch above the two of them. It chirped joyfully, flew down near Fili's head and back up again. Fili chuckled. From the corner of his eye Kili could see how the patterns of light and shade on the blonde's skin flickered as a languid breeze waved the leaves in the tree. He was taken over by a sudden urge to touch Fili, to draw the contours of the elusive patterns with his finger, feel Fili's skin and the muscles beneath it, even play with the strands of light-brown hair that covered his chest... Kili blushed at the thought and tore his eyes off his brother. The lark looked at him from up in the tree and tilted its head to one side, as if it knew what was on his mind. _I wish I was a bird too_, Kili thought, _so that I could sit in a tree and look at Fili all day long, and no-one would mind._

He let himself play with the thought of Fili answering to his feelings. What would it be like? Divine, he presumed. To know that his loved one loved him back, to be able to hold him, kiss him, do all those things they'd done in his dreams... But they could never tell anyone. It was forbidden from siblings to have a romantic relationship with each other, and Kili had never heard of anyone who was in love with their own brother – well, anyone except himself. They'd have to run away, leave their kin and homes, both the one in the Blue Mountains and the one they could have in Erebor, and that was unthinkable. Fili was Thorin's heir, one day he'd be king, and a king was supposed to take care of his people, wed a dwarven lass, and produce an heir to the throne. Or Kili would have to: he was next in the line of Durin, and after him there was no-one. Suddenly he felt naive to ever have thought of being with Fili. They could not be together, it was impossible, and how could Fili ever even love him like that? He was his brother.

"Brother", Kili sighed, and realized he'd said it out loud as Fili turned to look at him.

"Hmm?" the blonde uttered, chewing the straw in his mouth. The lark in the tree chirped.

"Ah, nothing", Kili said. "I was just thinking."

Soon it was time to leave the pleasant river, and many of the company cast longing glances behind as they continued the long walk. For hours they strode through high grass, past groves of deciduous trees, under the clear sky. Gandalf spoke to Bilbo about the mysterious man they were about to meet – Beorn was his name – and the dwarves listened with growing interest. Fili and Kili were walking side by side, not saying much to each other or anyone. Kili was still absorbed in his thoughts, questioning his previous decision to declare his love, as he'd done already a hundred times that day. One minute he felt like he'd go crazy if he didn't get it off his heart; the next minute he told himself to hide his feelings forever, because telling Fili would only make matters worse. Questions like "When?", "Where?", "How?", and "What if?" crossed his mind, and above all, "Why must everything be so complicated?" Kili had no answers.

The brunette stepped to the left to avoid stamping on a delicate flower that stood out from the grass. As he did so, he got closer to Fili, and the backs of their hands touched. Instinctively Kili looked up and met his brother's eyes. Fili smiled to him briefly.

"I'll go talk to uncle Thorin", the blonde said and squeezed Kili's hand lightly before striding past the others to walk beside their leader. Kili was confused. Talk to Thorin about what? He kept on walking by himself now, suppressing a grin that was tugging the corners of his mouth upwards, caused by the familiar twitch inside him when Fili had taken his hand.

_xxx_

"Are you sure about this? That this is not only some phase you're going through?"

"I'm sure. I've felt this way for too many years now. I must talk to him."

"Do you realize that bringing these things up could do you both more damage than any good? Are you ready to answer for the hurt you might cause?"

"I'm a grown dwarf, uncle. I'll take responsibility for my own actions, past and future."

"I'd expect nothing less of you."

_xxx_

"Mmmh."

Kili woke up in the middle of the night to the sound Fili let out close to his ear. Beorn had given each member of the company their own bed, but the two brothers had agreed to share one after drinking a few extra pints of ale. They had not been the only ones to get slightly drunk: the company had dined with their host, listening to his stories and telling him a couple of their own, singing songs, and eating and drinking probably more than during the previous three or four days altogether. The hour had been late when they'd all finally gone to bed, and now Kili found himself lying in Fili's arms, wondering vaguely how he'd ended up there and if it even mattered.

After a few moments of trying to make up his mind whether he was actually awake or not, Kili noticed how tense his brother was. Fili had wrapped his arms around his upper body and was holding him tight, shifting restlessly every now and then. Judging from his heavy breathing and the vivid movement of his eyes under his closed eyelids, the blonde was fast asleep and dreaming. And he was hard. Kili could feel the other's aroused member pressing his lower abdomen like a sheath of a dagger, and was suddenly entirely awake.

The warning voice inside his head, the one he hadn't heard for days, was back and telling him to free himself and crawl to his own bed as quickly as possible. _But I can't move_, Kili realized, _Fili would wake up and that would make this even more embarrassing for both of us._ He felt incredibly uneasy. His brother had clung to him like onto a pillow and was dreaming of doing gods knew what with gods knew whom, what was he supposed to do? He couldn't just stay there, could he?

Could he?

Fili smiled in his sleep and pulled Kili closer, his scent as intoxicating as ever. Despite his embarrassment, Kili couldn't help feeling something warm and exciting invading his insides. His cheeks and chest felt burning hot, his eyelids were heavy and his tongue felt thick in his mouth. _If I laid with Fili_, he thought, _would it begin like this?_ He put one arm around the blonde's waist and pressed the other hand against his chest – clothed, this time. _Too drunk to get your shirt off_, Kili reminisced and smiled, blinking his eyes slowly. Fili grabbed the fabric of his shirt and tugged it clumsily, his lips parted and brow slightly furrowed. Kili could feel his own arousal pulsing under his garments as he carefully slid his thigh between his brother's. Fili inhaled sharply, but remained asleep. Trouble, warned the voice in Kili's head, but he refused to listen. _This is too good a chance to waste, may the dragon slay me_, he thought as he slipped his fingers into Fili's hair and pressed their lips together.

It was a long, soft, sweet kiss that Kili would remember the rest of his life. He closed his eyes and barely dared to move his lips – he wasn't sure what to do, especially since the last thing he wanted was to startle Fili awake in the middle of this precious moment. He felt the blonde kiss him back in his sleep and tightened his grip. As their lips parted, Kili let out a quiet, blissful sigh. _If only this could last forever._

"Kili..."

The younger dwarf threw his eyes open in horror, expecting to see Fili awaking from his slumber, drowsy but well aware of what had just happened. Instead he saw his brother eyes still closed, mumbling something incomprehensible as his hold of him was slowly loosening. Soon the blonde turned on his back and started snoring. His erection was gone, and there was a wet stain on the crotch of his trousers. Astonished and mortified, Kili turned over, his back towards Fili, and pulled the blanket tightly around himself. He had to wait for a long while until his own arousal faded and he was able to sleep again.

They woke up at the same time in the morning, Beorn's hall already filling with sounds of his animals preparing breakfast. Some dwarves were already at the table, some still snoring in their beds.

"Good morning, brother", Fili said and yawned. Kili turned to look at him, and Fili flashed an innocent smile before sitting up and putting his boots on. _He doesn't know what happened_, Kili realized.

"Good morning", he answered and followed his brother to breakfast.

* * *

Again I had difficulties writing this part, and I definitely hope that writing the last part(s) is going to be easier. I originally intended this one to be much longer, so it could be that there is either one long or two shorter parts coming up. I would love to get the rest of the story out before the summer is over, preferably before Midsummer, but it could take longer. But don't worry, I will finish this!

And as always, your comments are very welcome. :)


	6. Part VI

Well, fucking finally. Here's the second last part to the story, and this time you got yourselves a little more insight on Fili's feelings.

* * *

**Part VI**

_xxx_

Fili raised the cup to his lips and drank. His movements were slow, although he did not notice it; he was absorbed in his thoughts this morning. On the other side of the table his dark-haired little brother was devouring a large slice of bread with his fingers all smudged in flour and butter. Fili smiled at the sight and caught Kili's attention.

"What?"

"Nothing."

It was a lie. Fili remembered what he had decided to do, and felt the flutter or a dozen butterflies in his stomach. _Not yet_, he told himself and cast a look at the other members of the company around the breakfast table. _Later. When the time is right._ He drank from his cup again and tried to concentrate on eating, but there were quite other thoughts in his mind than mead and bread.

He couldn't remember what exactly had happened the previous night and how much he had drank, but the dream he'd dreamt was still vividly in his mind. They'd had sex, him and Kili, and the dream had felt more real than any dream Fili had had in ages – not that this was the first time he'd dreamt of such things. Sometimes his imagination conjured up images of the two of them in unfamiliar places and awkward situations, mixing in strange people and landscapes defying the laws of nature; this time they had been alone, in a silent, dim-lit room that could've been the one they'd shared at home in the Blue Mountains.

Fili sighed as he thought of those happy days in his childhood. His earliest memories were from the time their mother had been expecting Kili; oddly enough, he couldn't remember the death of their father as well as he could remember some of the much more mundane things he'd experienced after Kili's birth: how he'd wanted to carry him everywhere, how he'd felt angry and jealous when mother and uncle Thorin had pampered the newborn more than him, and how he'd spent hours watching Kili sleep in his cradle, trying to make up his mind whether his baby brother was more boring than amusing. He'd followed how Kili's hair had grown from a few funny curls on his forehead to a long, dark brown mane that he'd refused to have braided ever since their mother had tried that for the first time; he'd helped him learn to crawl and then walk and then jump and run and climb; he'd heard Kili utter his first words: his own name, and then his brother's. Like any young dwarf kid, Fili had been glad to have someone to play with, to gain admiration from, and to set an example to. Although he'd sometimes thought that Kili was the most stupid and annoying living creature in the whole world, he had always been a proud big brother, all the way from his early years to adulthood.

Nori said something funny at the other end of the table, and half of the dwarves burst into laughter. Fili could see his uncle chuckle along with the others, and smiled by himself. It was good to see Thorin in a good mood every now and then, for he was a gloomy person, always looking like he carried a heavy burden on his shoulders. Fili'd got to know him well when he'd been a teen, growing from a small dwarfling into a full-grown warrior. Thorin had taken the responsibility for teaching him everything he needed to now to become a sufficient heir to the throne of Erebor, if they should ever return to the kingdom. Sometimes Fili'd trained fighting and weaponry with Dwalin, sometimes Balin had taught him history and the ancient dwarven language, but mostly it had been Thorin whom he'd spent the days with, studying old maps, improving his hunting skills, talking about war strategies and the art of sword-making. And Kili, Fili reminisced as he glanced at his brother across the table, had not liked it. Not at all.

"_Why can't I come with you?"_

"_I'm going to practise wrestling with master Dwalin. Uncle said it's time for me to learn how to fight without weapons. You'd just be in the way."_

"_But I could practise with you! We've wrestled a hundred times at home, haven't we?"_

"_Ah Kili, those were some silly children's fights, not proper combat. You wouldn't stand a chance if I really wrestled with you."_

"_Yes I would! I'm not that weak!"_

"_You're small and skinny, you've no strength to fight your elders."_

"_I'm not small!"_

"_Yes you are, you're just a child. Now stay at home and help mama with her chores. I'll be back for dinner."_

"_This isn't fair! When can I start practising fighting and hunting and other things with you and uncle Thorin?"_

"_Kili, we've been through this, you'll start when it is your time. Now, by-"_

"_And when is that?"_

_When you shut your mouth and stop whining like a baby! Now, BYE!"_

Kili's time had not come until ten years later. The brunette's puberty had been late, and by the time the first stubs of dark hair had appeared on his chin, Fili had already become an adult. By then he'd realized what a jerk he'd been, how rude and selfish, calling his little brother all sorts of things he hated to hear, thinking himself too old to play and joke around with him anymore. But when he'd tried to be a good brother again, help Kili with his training, pay more attention to the other's moods and feelings, show that he cared, Kili had not let him. The younger one had refused to tell what had been in his mind, he had not wanted Fili to practise fighting with him or even watch him practise, claiming that he couldn't concentrate if the blonde was around; sometimes he'd been startled when Fili had come close to him, ruffling his hair or patting his back while passing by – in general, Kili had seemed ill at ease in his brother's presence. It hadn't taken Fili very long to understand that the brunette had developed a crush on him.

At first Fili had been surprised. It was not unusual for male dwarves to feel attracted by other males, even men, although very few spoke of this openly – it was more like a public secret that many a dwarf who had not found themselves a wife, either because female dwarves were few in many villages or because no maid was attractive enough for them, had a lover whom they shared their bed with. But to fall in love with one's own brother? Surely Kili had met many dwarves of his age and befriended some, but he'd never spoken of them in a way that would suggest he felt something more for them than friendship. For a while Fili had thought it weird and had even been a bit repelled by Kili's feelings for him – he had never questioned his discovery, he knew his brother too well – but the more he had thought of it, the more natural it had seemed. The brunette had been a teenager, his body and mind going through fundamental changes; developing unexpected crushes was a part of that. The brothers had, despite their training, always spent a lot of time together, so maybe Kili had felt it safe to be attracted to someone he was close to. And besides, Fili had thought when he'd pondered all this, he _was_ a rather attractive dwarf with his muscular yet slim form, neatly braided moustache and beard, and golden hair.

The blonde closed his eyes in frustration as his thoughts wandered towards the things he didn't want to think of, the deeds that better have left undone. If there was a fault in him that he didn't want others to know of, it was vanity. Fili was well aware of his strenght, his good looks, his status, although he had never wanted to exploit these qualities and never had... never except once. If only he had not let his vanity take over...

He'd found himself thinking about what was Kili thinking about, and as soon as the thought of the brunette dreaming of him, touching himself while thinking of him had crossed his mind, Fili'd been lost. It had been too flattering to notice his brother's uneasiness in his presence, to see him blush when paid a compliment, that the blonde had soon found himself eyeing the younger one always a bit longer than he should have. Kili had indeed started to become a fine dwarf, his form slender, his face as beautiful as a young boy's could be, his movements captivating in all their adolescent's clumsiness. Fili had wanted to touch him everywhere, anywhere, but kept his urges hidden for he knew his thoughts were wrong and dirty. Still, all he'd needed to lose control had been a few pints of ale in a local tavern and the discovery of their mother having gone to visit some relatives overnight.

"_You're not a child anymore."_

"_Don't touch me there!"_

"Are you okay?"

Fili lifted his gaze: Kili was looking at him worriedly. The blonde realized his thoughts must have somehow been visible on his face – unlike his brother, that did not usually happen to him – and tried to look his calm self, although he was overwhelmed by emotions. "I'm fine", he muttered, but when Kili cast a suspicious look on him, he suddenly felt a tightness in his throat and tears gathering in his eyes. How could the brunette be so kind to him after what he'd done, after all these years he had procrastinated his apology, his confession? For he was, and had always been, madly in love with Kili; he'd only realized it when he'd sobered up and the memory of violating his little brother had struck him like a lightning, and then it had already been too late.

Fili put down his cup and looked at its content in disgust. He couldn't swallow any of his breakfast anymore and left the table quickly, heading outside. He needed a place to spend a moment alone, fresh air to clear his thoughts. Beorn's garden was full of life, the sun shining brightly and a tender breeze blowing through the fields of colourful flowers, but Fili sat down on a bench in a shady corner of the house, ignoring it all. He let out a heavy sigh and wiped off an escaped tear with his hand as it fell.

He had barely got himself together again when Kili arrived a few minutes later. The brunette fidgeted a moment near the wall before sitting on the bench as well. Neither of them said a word in a long while, Kili obviously startled to see the blonde red-eyed and upset.

"You're not okay", the younger one then said.

"Neither are you." Silence. "It's my fault." Fili swallowed; it was difficult to speak, as if the words didn't want to come out of his mouth. "It's all my fault, I'm so sorry."

Kili looked at his brother with wide eyes. They heard noises from arounf the corner as some of the others had decided to come outside as well. "Can we go somewhere else?" Kili asked, and without waiting for an answer he rose and led them further away from the house.

They stopped next to a large pine where they could neither be seen nor heard. Kili stood his back towards Fili, and the older one dared not come closer. As the awkward silence went on and on, he started to feel more and more nervous, terrified even. _Say something_, he pleaded in his mind – with himself or with Kili, he wasn't sure. Finally his brother turned to face him with tears in his eyes but a blank expression on his face. It was horrible to watch.

"Why?" the brunette asked, his voice but a whisper. Fili knew exactly what he meant, and as he started to talk it was not only one tear that escaped his eyes.

_xxx_

Kili remained silent as the other spoke and words flowed out of his mouth like a river, surrounding them like crystal clear water, pure and sweet and healing. Once Fili had started, he didn't seem to be able to stop: all his thoughts, all his deeds he explained so thoroughly that Kili almost couldn't believe this was his brother talking. Fili, whose face usually revealed so little of his true feelings, was crying in front of him; Fili, who had never spoken of _that_ night, was apologizing to him, saying that he regretted his actions with such an honest, vulnerable voice that it stung Kili's heart like a dagger. And when the blonde had finished, the younger one stood there silent, his brain working so intensely to comprehend everything he'd just got to know that it took him a long while to relize that Fili'd said he loved him.

"Thank you", Kili exhaled finally. Fili looked at him as if he didn't quite understand.

"For telling me all that", the brunette explained clumsily, letting the silence settle between them once again. He really didn't know what to say. Fili had calmed down after his flood of revelations and wiped his face to his sleeve. He fidgeted a while before opening his mouth again.

"Can you ever-"

"I love you too."

"-forgive... What?"

Kili blushed, he hadn't meant to say it yet, the confession had just come out of his mouth before his brain had caught up with what he was doing. He bit his lower lip and decided he might as well continue with what he had started.

"I love you and I... I want to forgive you. For everything", he said, staring at Fili's feet rather than his eyes. "And I will, but... I'm not sure if I can do it yet. Not completely, not now, but one day." He didn't want to shed tears, but he felt them gather in his eyes once again. "I was hurt."

"I know", Fili said with a sad smile. Suddenly the two pulled each other in a tight embrace, clinging to each other as if their lives depended on it. Kili had his arms around Fili's neck, his face pressed against the blonde's shoulder as muffled sobs shook his own; Fili put his fingers through Kili's dark hair, stroking the back of his head gently while his other arm was folded around the younger one's waist.

"I know."

They spent the rest of the day together, strolling around Beorn's estate, talking about whatever came into their minds or just lying silent in the grass under the hot sun. When evening came and they were called inside to have dinner with the others, Kili stopped Fili close to the house and pulled him behind the nearest tree.

"What is it?" Fili asked and leaned his back against the trunk.

"I, uh..." Kili mumbled. His hand was on Fili's sleeve; he moved it onto his chest, where he could feel the other's heartbeat. "Last night you were dreaming and I was awake, and umm... I must admit I stole a kiss from you." He lifted his gaze and saw Fili's lips spread into a mischievous grin.

"Well, then you must give it back", the blonde whispered and placed his hand on the nape of Kili's neck, pulling his face closer, pressing their lips together. Kili's breath hitched on his throat and he closed his eyes, moving his lips slightly while Fili did the same. When they parted, he let out a silent sigh of wonder and was about to lean in for another kiss when Bofur's voice echoed through the garden.

"Lads, where are ye? Bombur here will eat both of your servings if ye don't come quickly!"

"We should go", Fili said, and they both chuckled on the way inside.

* * *

I'll do my best to write the last part by the end of this month, and again I'm sorry if you'll have to wait longer than that. Opinions on this one are very much appreciated - I personally think this ended up better than the previous two, but what do you think?


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